Dear Parents and educators

During the past several years, many of us have begun to realize how many child are being easily falling  prey to the hands of the molesters who are living in our communities and how incredibly skillful they are when it comes to molesting children and getting away with it.

One study suggested that the average child victim must tell nine different people about their abuse before someone actually calls the police. Parents and other adults need to acquire the education and skills necessary to protect children and create opportunities for them to report abusive experiences. As parents, adults and people working with children, we all need to put more effort into learning about child molesters and child abuse instead of placing all of the responsibility for safety on our children.

WHO IS AN OFFENDER? – Offenders sexually abuse their own children but can also abuse other relatives and neighbors. They can be sexually attracted to children or offend because they are seeking .intimate. Contact with another person regardless of relationship, age or vulnerability. Some don’t understand and others don’t care that they are hurting the child.

• Most have multiple victims both inside and outside of their immediate family.

• Some abuse both boys and girls in various age groups.

• Most appear normal and demonstrate no noticeable pathology.

• Few have criminal records.

• Most report that they were repeatedly able to talk family and friends out of reporting them and continued to offend.

• Many are likely to re-offend without .treatment."

• Most hold responsible jobs and frequently align themselves with reputable organizations, sports leagues and churches.

• They may work or volunteer with children.

• They are likely to be single or live with their parents or have a dysfunctional marriage.

• Some appear socially inhibited while others can be extremely charming.

• Many target pre-pubescent boys.

• Most do not have a criminal record.

• Most have molested many children before they are effectively reported to law enforcement.

• The majority are highly likely to re-offend.

WHY DO MOLESTERS ABUSE CERTAIN CHILDREN?

Molesters abuse children they are sexually and emotionally attracted to, children they feel are vulnerable and needy, and children they feel that they can control and manipulate into keeping the abuse a secret.

HOW DO MOLESTERS KEEP CHILDREN FROM TELLING?

Most child molesters are in a position of trust and are usually able to molest children in a manner that undermines the child’s ability to accurately perceive the behavior as abusive or report them. Most molesters are also able to convince other adults that .it never happened. Or that .the child misunderstood.. When they are successful, they obstruct children and adults from reporting them to law enforcement and are able to continue molesting children even longer. So, it’s very important to understand how they manipulate both children and adults.

After the offender has selected a child to molest, the offender begins to develop a close relationship with the child and his/her family. If the offender is a parent or someone the child depends on, it’s very easy to manipulate the situation and repeatedly molest the child without getting caught. If the offender is in a position of trust or authority, (as is the case with teachers, coaches and priests who molest) the offender may pay special attention

to the child, take them places, buy them gifts or give them extra support and encouragement. They also might threaten the child to keep them quiet. After the offender starts to develop the relationships, he/she may begin to isolate the child from his/her family and friends. This may include fueling conflicts within the family,

alienating the child from friends or family or simply being available to .help out. With babysitting, special outings, rides home, etc. Molesters also test and desensitize children by telling dirty jokes, talking about sexual things and engaging in non-sexual physical contact like back-rubs, wrestling, hugging and horseplay. This behavior generally starts long before the sexual touching starts and serves to normalize contact and trust. The increased physical relationship and intimate talk between the child and offender makes it easier for the offender to introduce sexual behavior into the relationship. If the child’s parent has been present when some of the close physical contact or joking has occurred, it also makes the child think it must be ok.

Another thing that interferes with children’s ability to tell is that many children don’t even know that the contact has changed and is becoming increasingly intimate and sexual. Some offenders try to make it feel good to the child because they know if they hurt or scare the child, they are more likely to tell. Also, children become fearful that they will get into trouble for not telling sooner and become increasing guilt ridden about what is happening. Offenders know these things and caution children that .they will get in trouble too. if they tell. Some offenders are so good at developing dependent relationships that their victims feel obligated and may even feel protective of the offender. This phenomenon is especially pronounced when the offender is a parent, relative, admired family friend, teacher, coach or priest. Some offenders choose careers or volunteer with youth organizations because they .like. Children and these settings provide increased access and control over children. It is extremely important to remember that offenders spend time and energy manipulating children into .cooperating. with the abuse and keeping it a secret. Some of them spend hours and hours thinking about what they will say if a child ever tells on them. Because they have been engaged in a covert behavior, sometimes for many years at a time, they have usually become very skilled at lying and manipulating people and situations.

TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE

• Talk openly with your children about sexual development, behavior and abuse.

• Use proper or semi proper names for body parts (penis and vagina), and phrases like; private parts are .private and special..

• Tell your children that, if anyone touches or tries to see their private parts, tries to get them to touch or look at another person’s private parts, shows them pictures of or tries to take pictures of their private parts, talks to them about sex, walks in on them in the bathroom or does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable to tell you or a .support person. as soon as they can or the next time they see you.

• Tell your children that some children and adults have .touching problems.. These people can make .secret touching. look accidental and they should still tell you even if they think it might have been an accident.

• Tell your children that touching problems are kind of like stealing or lying and that the people who have those kinds of problems need special help so they don’t continue to have problems or get into trouble. Don’t describe it as a sickness.

• Tell your children that some people try to trick kids into keeping the touching a secret. Tell your children, .We don’t want those kinds of secrets in our family..

• Give your children examples of things that someone might use to try to get them to keep it a secret; candy, money, special privileges, threats, subtle fear of loss, separation or punishment etc.

• Tell your children that touching other people’s private parts is not ok for children to do or for adults to do with children. Tell them that you do not want them to do, secret touching, With other people but that you will not be mad at them if they do come and tell you it has happened. Even if it has been happening a lot.

• Talk to your children about safety issues at least two or three times a year. Develop a family plan for answering the phone, fire safety, getting lost and .secret touching.. Play .what if. games with them on a regular basis (monthly).

• Make sure they have support people they can talk to at home, at school, in their extended family, neighborhood or church. Have them pick out three people and tell you who they are. Put the phone numbers next to your phone and let them know that, if for any reason, they cannot talk to you - that they should call/or go see another support person.

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD GETS ABUSED

• If your child tells you that he or she has been touced inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid and they might have a harder time talking about what happened.

• Tell your child you are glad they told you about it. Telling was a good way to take care of themselves and also, the person who touched them. That person needs help with their .touching problem.. Tell your child that you will take care of things. Tell your child that you will need to talk to someone to figure out what to do next. Be careful to not make promises you can’t keep.

• Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can’t see or hear what you say.

• In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information/discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.

• Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse ASAP may mean that other children might get abused too. Don’t try to handle the situation yourself.

• The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they disclose.

• Don’t allow any further contact between your child and the alleged offender. Don’t confront the offender yourself.

SAFETY TIPS FOR SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN

• Don’t let young male children go into a men’s public restroom by themselves.

• Be cautious about who you allow to baby-sit or spend time alone with your children. Get references. Try to bathe and dress your own children. Routinely quiz your children about what happens while you are gone. Ask questions like .What did you do that was fun?. Or .Was there anything that happened while I was gone that worried you or that I should know about?. Don’t always tell your children to mind the babysitter. Avoid having young male babysitters.

• Get to know the people and homes where your children play.

• Periodically check on your children, especially when they are playing with other kids in your home. If you know that one of your children’s friends has been sexually abused, be more attentive to their playtime.

• Don’t let your children walk or ride their bike to school or to a friend’s home alone. Children should travel in groups or with an adult.

• Know your neighbors. Develop a Neighborhood Watch or Block House program.

• Supervise all Internet activities closely. Consider subscribing to an ISP that screens for obscenity and pornography. Make a .family agreement. about conversations before allowing your children to go into .chat rooms.. Children should never give out their phone number, address or school name to anyone they meet over the Internet. Periodically, ask your children to see the kinds of .chat room. conversations that take place. Warn them about .what lurks on the Internet..

• Develop the kind of relationship that would allow your child to come to you for help or support for any kind of problem they might need help with, for themselves or a friend.

FACTORS THAT PLACE CHILDREN AT A HIGHER RISK FOR ABUSE

• Age, friendliness, shyness, good manners, naivety, curiosity, or isolation.

• Living in a single parent home.

• Drug or alcohol abuse by parents.

• Parental illness or emotional unavailability.

• Severe marital conflict or domestic violence in the home.

• Living in a home with a stepfather or a mother’s boyfriend.

• Previous abuse.

• Having an unemployed father or parents that work different shifts.

• Parents who are sexually preoccupied use pornography or have pornography in the home.

• Inadequate parental supervision of children.

OFFENDER TRAITS

• Adults who seem preoccupied with children.

• Single adults who work or volunteer with children’s clubs/activities.

• Adults who work with children and also frequently spend their free time doing .special. Things with kids.

• Adults who spend time volunteering with youth groups who do not have children in those groups.

• Adults who seem to engage in frequent contact with children, i.e., casual touching, caressing, wrestling, tickling, combing hair or having children sit on their lap.

• Adults who act like children with children or who allow children to do questionable or inappropriate things.

• Adults who want to take your children on special outings too frequently or plan activities that would include being alone with your child.

• Adults who do not have children and seem to know too much about the current fads or music popular with children.

• Adults that your children seem to like for reasons you don.t understand.

• Adults who seem able to infiltrate family/social functions or are .always available. to watch your kids.